Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in as though it mattered...'s LiveJournal:

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Saturday, November 24th, 2007
7:57 pm	Another brick in the wall Another failed relationship. I suck at life. This one hurts alot. Only 5 more days until it would have been a year. I hate how with the end of every relationship I feel like I am more and more crazy and less and less desireable. I also hate how I think in run on sentences. In a completely un-conceited way, I hate how I am able to put on such a good front. People like me, want to hang out with me, want to date me, but I can't bear the repetitive disappointment when they figure out that I am nothing like what they signed up for. Maybe I need help. Current Mood: crushed (3 pointless comments | shut yo ho assed mouth)
Tuesday, November 14th, 2006
5:41 pm	Score of my life: Volume I If your life was a movie, what would the soundtrack be? so, here's how it works: 1. open your library (itunes, winamp, media player, ipod, etc) 2. put it on shuffle 3. press play 4. for every question, type the song that's playing 5. when you go to a new question, press the next button 6. don't lie and try to pretend you're cool.. Write whatever it says! opening credits: Hips Dont Lie - Shakira waking up: How to Disappear Completely- Radiohead first day of school: Be My Escape-Relient K falling in love: Skyline Drive- Mae fight song: Gone Daddy Gone- Gnarles Barkley breaking up: I write sins, not tragedies - Panic at the Disco prom: Kiss my Milkshake- Prince vs. Kelis life's ok: Honestly- Cartel mental breakdown: Pin Your Wings- Copeland driving: Music to watch spacegirls by- Leonard Nemoy flashback: Army - Ben Folds 5 getting back : Take it Back Ho- Strizzo birth of a child: Maybe this Time- OKGO wedding: Late- The Spinto Band death scene: Around the Clock- The Rocket Summer funeral song: Chasing Cars- Snow Patrol ending credits:Anything- Mae Current Mood: disappointed (shut yo ho assed mouth)
Saturday, August 26th, 2006
11:02 pm	Im sulky tonight and I dont know why. I feel like Im going to cry and for no apparent reason. (No PMS involved, I swear). Sometimes I just want reassurance that everything is real. I don't want the wool pulled over my eyes. God, Im a baby. She calls me from the cold Just when I was low, feeling short of stable And all that she intends And all she keeps inside isn't on the label She says she's ashamed Can she take me for awhile Can I be a friend, we'll forget the past Or maybe I'm not able And I break at the bend We're here and now, will ever be again 'Cause I have found All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade Away again She dreams a champagne dream Strawberry suprise, pink linen on white paper Lavender and cream Fields of butterflies, reality escapes her She says that love is for fools that fall behind, And I'm somewhere between Never really know A killer from a savior 'Til I break at the bend We're here and now, will ever be again 'Cause I have found All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade Away again It's to far away for me to hold To far away.... It's to far away for me to hold To far away.... It's to far away for me to hold To far away.... It's to far away for me to hold To far away.... It's to far away for me to hold To far away.... It's to far away for me to hold To far away.... Guess I'll let it go.... Current Mood: exhausted (shut yo ho assed mouth)
Sunday, August 13th, 2006
12:55 am	estrogen is a ticking time bomb I hate being a girl. I wish I was a robot, for real..a girl one of course, but just one that didn't care about stuff or get bothered by stupid shit. I feel like you cant let your guard down for a second or else you'll just get upset in the end. I hate how girls read too much into stuff. Over analyze for no reason. Ever notice how desperation is just one big blindfold? People are willing to overlook every obvious detail, just to have emotional/physical needs met. Sometimes I am so dumb, it kills me. Current Mood: blah (2 pointless comments | shut yo ho assed mouth)
Saturday, July 22nd, 2006
2:21 pm	had it up to here.. I cant take it. I am so ready to be out of this house. Unfortunately it seems like Ill still be in the same situation, just a different, nicer location. SO SICK OF IT. Stoplight keg party at the apt on Thurs. Come and drink your sorrows away. Maybe even some guitar hero action?? Current Mood: aggravated (shut yo ho assed mouth)
Friday, June 16th, 2006
11:21 am	boredom will do it to you... WHO . W A S . T H E . L A S T . P E R S O N . T H A T? 1. You hung out with?: Kelsey, Lauren and Omar 2. Rode in a car with?: Lauren and Omar 3. Went to the movies with? Ignacio, Chris Martin, Guy, Hussey 4. You went to the mall with? Lauren 5. You went to dinner with? Lauren 6. You talked on the phone to?: Little Aaron 7. You hugged? Jimmy at work W O U L D . Y O U . R A T H E R? 1. Pierce your nose or tongue?: nose 2. Be serious or be funny?: mwahaha..funny. 3. Drink whole or skim milk? skim 4. Die in a fire or drown?: oooh..fire. 5. Spend time with your parents or enemies? If my parents are my enemies, then I guess I'm killing 2 birds with one stone. Ill take parents. Y O U . P R E F E R. 1. Flowers or candy?: Flowers! 2. Grey or black?: black 3. Color or Black and white photos?: black and white 4. Lust or love?: used to be lust, however now... 5. Sunrise or sunset?: sunset..sunrises come way to early 6. M&Ms or Skittles? m&ms..unfortunately both stain your hands if you hold them too long. 7. Staying up late or sleeping in?: i think staying up late and sleeping in hold hands. D O . Y O U . P R E F E R. 1. Sun or moon?: moon 2. Winter or Fall?: fall! I LOVE FALL! 3. Left or right?: right..but im biased. 4. 10 acquaintances or two best friends? 2 best friends. 5. Sunny or rainy?: sunny..although I love rainy days every once in awhile 6. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream? chocolate A B O U T . Y O U! 1. What time is it?: 11:28 am 2. First and middle Name?: Megan Adair 3. What do you want?: I want to fuck you like an animal. 4. Where do you want to live? in a house in oviedo..for now anyway 5. How many kids do u want? Im not honestly sure.. 6. You want to get married? Yes, someday. 7. Bad habit: drinking too much and not exercising 8. Are you double jointed?: yes..or pigeon toed..does that count? 10. Can you cross your eyes? no R A N D O M 1. Which shoe goes on first?: whichever one i find first 2. Ever thrown a shoe at someone?: a flip flop... 3. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?: Twirl Man Im bored. No one is giving up shifts at work. Seriously, its like the great depression at Fridays. I might go home this weekend to see my mom and brother. I need to buy antivirus software for my computer. In the meantime, time to play more guitar hero! Current Mood: bored (shut yo ho assed mouth)
Saturday, June 10th, 2006
4:08 pm	looking back, January was a rough month.. Jan 15th: I just don't get it. Is it not even possible for **** and I to be friends? Why can we not go a day without arguing? Even as friends it seems to be impossible. I think our problem lies with both of us. Im blunt and insensitive and he's quick to anger and overly sensitive. If we are so ill-suited, then how did we ever become attracted to each other in the first place? I also think we're both incredibly emotionally needy, but neither one of us wants to be the one to give. **** said again tonight, "I wish [we] could just be normal for once" [we]=you. however, he only said he meant "we" after I called him out on it. That's the second time he's said, "I wish you could be normal" I do too, ****. I think that phrase has been one of the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me. Both times when I've heard him say it, my heart seems to fall into my stomach. **** also said, "I wish you didn't depend on me to be happy" I don't depend on him. I just thought I saw an opportunity once. Obviously, I was fooled. I was too stunned and sad to talk, so I told him I was goign to bed. He's here...only 500ft away, and I sit here staving off sleep for the mere chance that he might stop by or call to make sure I'm really ok. I need to stop living in denial and realize that this boy doesnt really care about me. He might care for the conveniece that I could have supplied to him as a girlfriend, but not as a real person. Evry now and then I see this little glimmer of hope that I'm mistaken about all of this, but it usually ends up some form of a mirage. Phone rang. My stomach went into my throat. It was Rachel. Face it, Megan. He's not going to call. He just doesn't care enough..and neither should I. Where is this hold over me coming from?? I'm tired and sad. Maybe i'll just go to sleep..at least Im normal while I'm unconscious. Jan 29th: Please call. Please call. Please call. Please call me so I can validate my self worth. Please call so I know you care about me. You cared enough not just to leave it where it stood, but to actually make sure I was ok. Care enough to probe deeper beneath the surgace of my vague remarks. But my phone stays silent. He doesnt care enough to call. He will never be able to validate my self worth..I'll never be good enough. He doesn't care enough to call to make sure that I could drive home safely through my tears. Actually because he didn't care enough to call, he never even knew I was crying or still am for that matter. I hate that I'm still so sad over this. I have no diea why I just can't quit and let go. I'm in a catch 22..but with the same result. Whenever we're not together I get so sad because I know he is out partying and looking for another girl. But because I have such obviously shitty self esteem, I wait until he gets back from his tirades so he can call me at all hours of the night, then go to sleep. Im tired of being sad. He's not going to call. I fucking hate this. Feb 4th: The most relative quote from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind came to me today. I always thought that I was like Clementine..eccentric, desperate for people to like her, but sad on the inside. Today I am Joel. Why do I alwasy fall in love with the first person who shows me the least bit of attention? **It's better now. Current Mood: contemplative (shut yo ho assed mouth)
Friday, May 19th, 2006
7:04 pm	I never would have thought that I would have wished that I was still in school. I can remember in elementary and middle school when I would count down the days until the next day off..next break..next time I didn't have to deal with school. This past year I have been dreading the day I graduated, knowing that it would be over. Knowing that this isn't just a 'summer break' until I go back, but done for good. Honestly, it scares the shit out of me. I hate knowing that even though I am only taking a year off, that it could potentially turn into never going back. I hate knowing that this isn't just a summer break, its a forever break. I hate that I am graduated and I still work at Fridays. I wish I felt like at the end of it all, this was worthwhile. I feel like it was meaningless, however. So I know how to write a paper in APA format and am familiar with the quadratic equation: I still feel like this might have been a waste of time. Dont get me wrong, I would not take this experience back for anything in the world. I loved college. I loved learning new things, but I think I enjoyed it more socially than anything. I always thought I would do something great after I got out of school, but I feel like a bottom of the barrell loser. I spend my days doing somthing i LOATHE. Doesn't help to say, "Just quit", "get a job you love" etc etc bc most jobs require you to have upper level training, or the dreaded "__ years experience". Fucking realism. I wish my Dad would quit asking me every day if I've gotten a different job, gotten certain things done..blah blah blah. I realize I have things I have to do, and Im doing them; but his constant reminders just make me feel like more of a loser. Like he has to ride my ass every second or else I'll be like so many others and just slip through the cracks and not go back to school. Slip into a mediocre job with a mediocre family life. Sometimes I just want to scream. I wish I was still in 5th grade. Current Mood: intimidated (6 pointless comments | shut yo ho assed mouth)
Monday, May 1st, 2006
11:25 pm	you market to a generation of saps Lets be real..I hated the Notebook. It made me cry and realize how utterly single I am. Instead of feeling hopeful and inspired, I feel like crap. Ugh Im so tired of being negative. I wish I could be one of those hopeless romantics that just didn't care what people thought: they know what they want and have this unalienable persuit to attain it. Do those people really exist? Or are they just a fabrication of ones imagination? Does anyone really know someone like that? I feel like now people just fall into their current situations. They persue each other for a month or so (if they're 'taking things slow') then just fall into a rut of courtship. But at some point, I guess people chose the rut over quality..patience..true compatibilty. I can empathize. I am not writing this to say I'm above this..I guess in a way, I am this. ugh. fucking notebook. Current Mood: pensive (3 pointless comments | shut yo ho assed mouth)
Saturday, April 15th, 2006
7:11 pm	anything but term papers... I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control. I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul. I want you to notice, when I'm not around. You're so fucking special, I wish I was special. But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here?. I don't belong here Current Mood: lonely (1 pointless comment | shut yo ho assed mouth)
Wednesday, March 15th, 2006
2:24 am	sunshine makes me high Today was such a nice day out! I went to the pool and visited Button, then went home and showered and went to work. It really was so nice out that it elevated my mood :)Today I was thankful for Johnathan..he picked up my Saturday day shift, so now I can stay one extra day in South Fla. I have my interview for grad school on Friday. Im nervous. More about finding the place that the interview itself though. im tired. Current Mood: sleepy (8 pointless comments | shut yo ho assed mouth)
Monday, March 6th, 2006
11:26 pm	you tried to take the best of me. I hate when you realize that you've had the wool pulled over your eyes. I feel like Im a freshman again. What do I believe in? Whom can you trust? Its funny when you give advice to others and then you wonder if you can even follow it yourself. My roommate Mercedes wonders why she never can maintain a successful relationship..I tell her its bc she never lets anyone in. You just have to trust your partner and think that things will work out for the better and if they dont, then you cry about it for a few days and try again. However, now I understand its kind of hard to trust. Sometimes trusting people makes you look like an asshole. Im mad. I want to punch 'you' in the face. Bloodhound gang said it best...If I wanted to be repeatedly shit on, I'll go make Dutch porn. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so naive, but it comes with the territory I suppose. Current Mood: angry (shut yo ho assed mouth)
Monday, February 20th, 2006
8:24 pm	yeah, i have some time on my hands A - Available?: yessssssssss for the right price anyways ;) A - Age: 22 A - Annoyance: Manipulation, people who lay guilt trips for no reason B - Best Friends: Kelsey, Qui!Qui! B - Bar: Oasis B - Birthday: June 12th C - Crush: in the works?? C - Car: Pimped out Camry yo! C - cat: I will punt them bitches across the yard...Unless its MewCF D - Dead Pets Name: Myra D - Dad's Name: Joe D - Dog: Pancake the stuffed dog?? E - Easiest person to talk to: Qui!Qui! or Button E - Eggs: Fertilized! E - Email: no way you would send me spam! F - Favorite color: green, blue, brown F - Food: RED MEAT! F - Foreign Slang: like punta?? G - Gummy Bears or Worms: always a fan of the worms G - Good Time: Being drunk...or at the beach (sober) G- God: wait is this asking if i believe or who do i think is god..bc i do believe, but if they are asking who is god, wouldnt the answer just be...well, god? H - Hair Color: brown H - Height: 5'10 H - Happy: when my room is clean I - Ice Cream: i like friendlys I - Instrument: piano I - Idol: technically if you believe in god you shouldnt have idols...technically. J - Jewelry: the shit i make yo! J - Job: Fridays and student J - Joke: The cheesiest ones you can think of!! K - Kids: eventually K - Karate: Made it to green belt...kick your fucking ass. K - Kung Fu: uh..isnt that 'foreign slang' for karate? L - Longest Car Ride: to oklahoma L - Longest Relationship: 3 years L - Love: 1 M - Milk Flavor: regular?? M - Mothers Name: Fern M - Last Movie Watched: Requim for a Dream N - Number of Siblings: 1 real, 1 step N - Northern or Southern: Dirty south! N - Name: Megan Crisp(y) O - One Wish: that I would get into grad school O - One Phobia: spiders, drops on roller coasters O - Otter Pop: what the fuck? Is this a sex joke? P - Parents, are they married or divorced: Divorced..no surprise there P- Part of your appearance you like best: eyes or hair P - Part of your Personality you like best: my sense of humor Q - Quote: "Life Experiences are alot like quarters..both can be easily lost when sitting on the couch."-Jamba Juice napkin..i know, lame. Q - Question for the next person: this ? is stupid Q - Quick or Slow: can be both R - Reason to smile: my nephew R - Reality TV Show: Real World R - Right or Left: righty S - Song Last Heard: How to Disappear Completely S - Season: winter S - Sex: is part of a fully balanced breakfast T - Time you woke up: 1030am T - Time Now: 8:32pm T - Time for bed: 2ish U - Unknown fact about me: if you yell at me i will probably cry U - Unicorns: sleep in my bed U - are: u are? u are an illiterate idiot V - Vegetable you hate: canned peas V - Vegetable you love: artichokes! V - View on Politics: im too uniformed to have an opinion W- Worst Habits: shopping and being lazy W- Where are you going to travel next: on a cruise somewhere W- What are your plans for today: work, sulk, watch movie X - X-Rays: are scandalous! X - X-Rated Porn: makes me uncomfortable. X - X-tra special someone: Gay. Y - Year you were born: 83 Y - Year it is now: 2006 Y - Yellow: putrid. Z - Zoo Animal: tree frogs Z - Zodiac: Gemini Z - Zoolander: funny movie..only if you're drunk..or one of those repetitive movie quoters. (shut yo ho assed mouth)
Monday, February 6th, 2006
1:03 am	im updating! Therefore there must be something for me to bitch about in my life. duh. I drank to much last night. I screwed things up AGAIN bc i suck at life. I hate crying/being emotional. I cried at work today; what the fuck? Im sad. and i dont know why. Why can't things be back to good??? Current Mood: uncomfortable (3 pointless comments | shut yo ho assed mouth)
Wednesday, January 4th, 2006
11:09 am	Ok everyone, break is over... Why does it seem like everyone in Orlando hopped ship to home the day finals were over and are staying home until the last possible second before classes start? No one was even up here for New Years..Seriously, it boggles my mind. Ok, well break is over...come home now! I need entertainment here! Im tired of working doubles just so I have something to do with my day. Grad school apps are killing me. I hate writing essays. They sound like they are completely full of bullshit (which they are) and I really dont have much of a shot at getting accepted in the first place. Why all the money and effort then?? I hate graduating. I wish I could just stay in school forever that way I didnt have to get a real job and get all settled. erg. So the third strike came up. I think. How come I havent quit yet?? It kind of scares me that I let so much slide. Is it because I have no respect for myself? or because I feel like I just need companionship? Either way, it bothers me. I dont even tell my friends stories anymore because I know they don't want to hear it and will just tell me to quit. I know I should quit..I wish someone would tell me to stay. I wish I could actually just once write in this stupid thing for something good. over and out. Current Mood: confused (3 pointless comments | shut yo ho assed mouth)
Friday, December 16th, 2005
3:07 pm	im gay bc i post quiz results The Keys to Your Heart You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage pessimistically. You don't think happy marriages exist anymore. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted. What Are The Keys To Your Heart? Don't gasp at the predictable A comforting lie can't last Preordained checklist of this awkward love It's so sad Current Mood: indescribable (1 pointless comment | shut yo ho assed mouth)
Tuesday, November 29th, 2005
7:39 pm	I cant let this begin...'cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state its ever been.." Im not so sure how I am liking this "girlfriend lite" deal. When i date someone, i want to give it my all...i guess this is where im getting screwed in the deal, bc I am still giving it my all...only to get half in return. Technically, i can't be upset bc those are the conditions...girlfriend without the full-time commitment. It sucks because Im kind of sad. Wish I wasn't such a baby... PS Kim: i know you're flipping out. my computer blew up..call me and come get your jacket. Current Mood: tired (3 pointless comments | shut yo ho assed mouth)
Tuesday, November 22nd, 2005
5:10 pm	When I go down I'll tell you flat out it hurts so much to think of this so from my thoughts I will exclude this very thing that I hate more than everything is the way I'm powerless to dictate my own moods I've thrown away so many things that could've been much more and I just pray my problems go away if they're ignored but that's not the way it works no that's not the way it works when I go down I go down hard and I take everything I've learned and teach myself some disregard when I go down it hurts to hit the bottom and of the things that got me there I think, if only I had fought them If and when I can clear myself of this clouded mind I'll watch myself settle down into a place where peace can search me out and find that I'm so ready to be found I've thrown away the hope I had in friendships I've thrown away so many things that could have been much more I've thrown away the secret to find an end to this and I just pray my problems go away if they're ignored but that's not the way it works no that's not the way it works Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands while my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me reprimands me then and there I confess I'll blame all this on my selfishness yet you love me and that consumes me and I'll stand up again and do so willingly You give me hope, and hope it gives me life you touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light as I exhale I hear your voice and I answer you, though I heardly make a noise and from my lips the words I choose to say seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise because I love you oh God, I love you and life is now worth living if only because of you and when they say I'm dead and gone it won't be further from the truth When I go down I life my eyes up to you I won't look very far cause you'll be there with open arms to lift me up again to life me up again Feels like freshman year woes all over again. Feeling worthless...not really understanding why you aren't worth someone's time of day. I wish I had assurance that I could "just be normal". Deal with my problems and emotions in a rational and understandable fashion. Instead, I get upset by stupid things and crash... Im going down. Current Mood: sad (shut yo ho assed mouth)
Sunday, November 13th, 2005
10:16 pm	Found it in my myspace Why does suicide seem to seek out my family? For as long as I can remember, my dad has frequently talked about killing himself. Never did he actually attempt to go through with it until last winter. My stepmother found him sobbing with a pistol in his mouth, begging her to leave him alone. As soon as I found out, I left to go home as soon as possible. My wicked witch of a stepmother wouldnt let me see my father, saying he did not want to see or talk to me. Still to this day, I have not been able to talk to my dad about that night. A few months later, Sean Chaney killed himself, and made me realize again how precious and fleeting life is. A few months later, I found out that my cousin, Josh, killed himself as well. Are people always surprised when they hear of suicide? Why is it that people like my father who always threaten suicide will never go through with it, but those who you least suspect have the determination to go quietly by their own hand. Does that mean that people like my father, really don't long to die, but on the contrary, strive for a reason to live? Then why wont you talk?? Current Mood: crushed (3 pointless comments | shut yo ho assed mouth)
Wednesday, September 21st, 2005
3:36 pm	i know you're reading this Ok so...Im confused again. Got myself into a pickle, like always. I feel like I am starting my relationship with Jeff all over again but with different people. I was dicking around with Chris and Jeff was like the nice guy that would hang around to make sure i was ok. Well here we go again. It sucks because I haven't been single that long and am not sure if I want to jump back into a relationship again this early on....but he's so nice. and cute. and has friendly eyes. I dunno..Spaghetti thoughts return. advice?? Current Mood: contemplative (1 pointless comment | shut yo ho assed mouth)